Jump Then Fall

I had thought of a lot of other things to write in this post, but right now at this point, I decided what I want to write and publish tonight. 

So I realized recently that I should have written about some of the good things that have happened to me and what I have learned from them. Yeah ok you made me realize, I did not realize it myself. So what, you are mine too. You telling me something or making me realize something is just nothing more than a part of me telling my brain what to do. So here it is.... Too philosophical?

I learned that money is the most useless thing in lyf when it comes to happiness. Most people may disagree with me, but that what you taught me and I think it makes a lot of sense. Money is just one of the material things, which will always lead you into to painful phases of lyf. So never to give any attention or focus to money when we are with someone for whom we care about. 

I learned that there is no need to lie to anyone. Though we should follow "Don't ask, don't tell policy". Not everyone needs to know what you are doing and what you plan to do. But whatever you do, don't lie. Tell people straight on their face that you don't want to share the details. It's absolutely OK rather than hiding and lying to a dozen people. I may not have been following that to the core, because I am not the person who can say "No" to anyone's face. But yes, I think I am improving day by day. 

I learned that our family is the most integral part of our lyf. To that point, I think the biggest regret I will ever have is that I have spent more time with my friends than with my family. 

I learned that no matter how much you hate people, you must still help them when they are in need and they cry out to you for help. People will be shameless, but there has to be a difference between them and you. So we must decide to help if we can

I learned that our relationship is without commitment. Our relationship is so different that I just can't put it in words and as I have written so many times in this blog, it's probably best not to even try to categorize our relationship. People will be making us drunk to bad, and then try to ask so many questions, thinking we will blurt out everything. But they will never succeed. 

I learned that it's sometimes OK to go backwards to move forward in lyf. You may realize they you need to let them go who were your past and move forward. 

I learned what it means to get lost in your hurt. I can never and will never try to measure the pain you have been through, but I know its been enough and I would not have been able to handle so much in my lyf.

I've learned that you must protect and sacrifice for some special people in your lyf who mean much more to you than anything else. Even if that means taking on more pain, more hurt for them, but still facing it with smiling lips. 

I learned that its OK to cut yourself lose on special occasions. It's OK to cross the boundaries sometimes. Sometimes even the toughest concrete can fall down

I learned when to put your feelings into words. When to find that perfect time to say out things that you have never said earlier.

I learned how to be calm, cool and mature and not get carried away in that moment of anger and be in control of the situation. People will always be mean, they will always do everything you can't even think of. Not sure what intention people will have with me, but still, in any circumstances, to be myself is the key. Doesn't matter how much drunk I am.

Jump Then Fall

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I like the way you sound in the morning

We're on the phone and without a warning

I realize your laugh is the best sound

I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus

I watch you talk, you didn't notice

I hear the words but all I can think is

We should be together

Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby

Don't be afraid to

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

I like the way your hair falls in your face

You got the keys to me

I love each freckle on your face, oh

I've never been so wrapped up, honey

I like the way you're everything I ever wanted

I had time to think it oh, over

And all I can say is come closer

Take a deep breath then jump then fall into me

Cause Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby

Don't be afraid to

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet

I'll catch you, I'll catch you

And people say things that bring you to your knees

I'll catch you

The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry

But I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Whoa oh, I need you baby

Don't be afraid, please

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

Jump then fall baby

Jump then fall into me, into me

Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I shine

And every time you're here

Baby I'll show you, I'll show you

You can Jump then fall, jump then fall

Jump then fall into me, into me, yeah

I never knew sunset could be so lovely that I would try to stop the time then and there so that the sun would never set and I would never have to go back in the morning. The previous weekend was the best weekend I would have seen. I will always cherish its memories throughout my lyf. I will however confess that the last 2 days have been so depressing that I am not yet able to accept our decision for not getting together on the coming weekend. I know none of us have made any commitments to each other. Its not a blame I am putting on you. I don't know under what circumstances we decided to drop the plan. I couldn't have been more serious about it when I said "I am not done meeting you yet. So we are meeting next weekend". 

Was that a ray of hope that I saw this morning? I am not too sure about it. It's like when you go deep inside a tunnel and you close your eyes and turn around a couple of times, then you see light at both the ends of the tunnel. At one end, is the mistake you are trying to avoid and at the other end, its the ray of hope. So I need some guidance from you. Who else can I talk to? Who else can I depend upon? Who else will even try to understand me. 

If you want to set me free, then there's one simple way out, kill me. I ain't gonna throw you out of my mind. It's not gonna happen in this lyf. Maybe I can try in the next.

This post is not yet complete, but still I am making it available on the blog site. It may be updated tomorrow.

Update: I have decided that the remaining part will come in the next post itself.

No Time For Love - Superman

You say I do not have time for you. Do you know how painful my lyf is? It hurts so bad. Someone, please just cure me even if that requires to eliminate my existence and end my pain. You don't know that I am always busy thinking about you only. We both started on the same career path a couple of years ago. Didn't know that it would lead us here today. Things have changed. The crowd of people whom we used to have around us have vanished. 

You wanted us to work hard. I am excelling what I love to do in my lyf. I may be over-rating myself, but I have that determination and will to take me to new heights and make me a successful person. I know somewhere deep down your heart you know that I am doing the right things. This is what I was always bound to do. People are trusting me to do a lot of things for them. I can't break their trust so that I can get yours. That said, it's also not possible for me to face myself with the feeling that I have betrayed you. I have virtually forced you into so many decisions in lyf and now I just can't walk away saying that I do not have time for you. I know this is not done. Maybe I have become too selfish in this race to become successful. You have turned me into some kind of a superhero and now I can't just let that everyone's faith in me to shake. 

I’ve decided not to think about you and I am starting to get used to not talking to you. I’m trying to be happy even though you can’t see the sadness and loss that I’ve been feeling.  I have been trying to be strong in front the world. I’ve been hurt way too many times by you but you don’t have any slightest idea about it. You thought I was happy all this while and supporting you. Yes, I am happy as long as you are happy but deep down inside, my mind is on fire and my heart is burned into ashes. I don’t know why am I killing myself like this. Do you even know how badly I want inside just to be with you? I want you to be mine but I can’t make it happen. Because time doesn’t allow us to be together. Circumstances don't allow us as well. Have you ever been in a situation where you don't have any choice left but just to agree with the decision that someone else has taken for you, even if you know it's totally insane to accept it. I have been there. I have accepted those decisions. It is complicated and ironic too at the same time. Well that's why I say lyf sucks and I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I let you down and to see you this way you are makes me hurt inside. I wish I could tell you to move on and forget me. I have found it too fearful to even try to say what my heart and mind knows needs to be told to you. You will probably end up feeling deserted and screaming out loud to me what I have never had the courage to say to you.

I don't even know what I want anymore from my lyf. Success in profession will never come along with you in my lyf. I have learned it the hard way. Every time I start to believe in lyf again, it's taken away the next instant. Maybe we’re better if we’re like this, and you’ll be happy with what you would chose or should I say whom.

Superman

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

Tall, dark and super manly

Puts papers in his briefcase and drives away

To save the world or go to work

It's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition

I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him

I hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say "How are you?"

And I'll say, "Just fine"

I always forget to tell you I love you

I'll love you forever

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Tall, dark and beautiful

He's complicated, he's irrational

But I hope someday he'll take me away

And save the day, yeah

Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying

He's not all bad like his reputation

And I can't hear one single word they say

And you'll leave, got places to be

And I'll be okay

I always forget to tell you I love you

I loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

And I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

And I watch you fly around the world

And I hope you don't chase another girl

Don't forget, don't forget about me

I'm far away, but I'll never let you go

I'm lovestruck and looking out the window

Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be

Right here wishing the flowers were from you

Wishing the card was from you

Wishing the call was from you

'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around forever and ever

I watched Superman fly away

I swear, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Come back down

As Meredith Grey says "Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it, and lyf always makes more."

I had really moved on from the last post and the offline events after that. But certainly it seems the past has not yet vanished out. It has come back again. I am fed of up this cat and mouse game. This is exactly why I wrote in my previous post "I know what it is to go insane". But people don't trust me. The same old google searches are back... now a little more blunt and straight to the point. My blog has become a kind of a clue to the puzzle to locate people. I am so sorry about it. I wish I could help. 

So whatever is the reason, please stop searching and associating "______ ______ radio" and "______ ______ facebook" keywords with my blog. It has nothing to do "them" anymore.

Yes I am back to spelling it as LYF.. and  that's what sucks. 

I'm Haunted (.............)

I have a very strange relationship with December, so how could I let it go without posting anything. I have been trying to write this one for the last 1 month or so. Probably the longest I have ever taken to write any post. Most of them are just a couple of hours of the unending lonely time. Last year... same time, things were so much different and better. A year more back in the history... still better. Is it still going to get worst next December? Why can't we just write a computer program to delete the memories from history which hurt us? I wish we could do that. 

I can cry all I want, and wish for things to be different, but that won't change anything in reality. It like I don't know who I am anymore. I need to start on a journey to find myself and then try to fix all my problems. I always have had this fear that you'll wake up and realize that I'm not as great as you once thought I was. I often find myself wondering about life, and whether or not anyone would care if I was here or not. I don't believe in running away from my problems. But right now, I'd do anything to get away from this place.

It would only be a matter of time before we both realize that the relationship could fall apart soon. I know that your memories would haunt me forever, but I hope that I would be able to accept my defeat boldly. Those memories would always remind me that I am a loser who never even understood the reason for losing. Still I know that it is because of me that I have lost that relationship. Yes I may be a loser, but I don't want to be called as Devdas as I have mentioned previously in some comments. There's no glory is being called a loser. All we have left is broken promises and broken hearts. Even if I had known this was the end, I would have still wanted to start.

Haunted

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

It's getting dark, and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

Oh, I'm holding my breath

Won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

He would try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

Oh, I'm holding my breath

Won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

I know, I know

I just know

You're not gone

You can't be gone, no

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

And what's with the google search "killing me softly back to december". Seems like that post has become really famous that people are so fond of searching that post so frequently on the internet. What is so special in that post? I am yet to figure that out. Can you help me find this answer? By the way, I haven't experienced the same situation as you because all I have gone through might just be a few co-incidents. But I know what it means to go "insane". I know what's Deja Vu. I know what it means to be "freaked out". It is as if history is repeating itself with the same characters but in exactly opposite role. Sometimes goodbyes happen so suddenly and it breaks you down to the core. But as time goes on and you see the bigger picture, you will realize that you have became stronger. "Goodbye" became your motivation. It becomes an encouragement to make life worth living. This is exactly from me to you. Thank You for being a brief part in my lyf!!!

Something keeps me holding on to nothing...........

Mean

I can just not make you feel happy. No matter what I do you're always mad at me and I can't change your mind. And will not even try to change any of your perception about me. If you have to love me, then love me for the the what you see in me... don't love me for what I tell about myself. 

If you think I am Mean.. then so be it. I will face the brunt of this allegation all throughout my lyf. But I know that I have never been mean. I am not going to write down a list of all my sacrifices here.. because probably I don't have enough. I am not God. I may have made mistakes. I am just a human being. 

With this post, I just want to convey this to you. I am not mean. I just hope you don't feel I am a liar. Mean are those who are so busy trying to bring you down that they never bother to find the time to bring themselves up. I have always wanted you to succeed in lyf, no matter if it required a little give-up from me. I have never told you about those small and petty things which are not big enough to matter with respect to you. Don't run away from me. Realize that I am the one who is with you, rather than against you. Don't tell me that I have to prove it. I won't be able to. You know it doesn't hurt more when people you love don't love you back, but it hurts the most when they don't trust you anymore. This famous quote finds its perfect place in this post here...

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me." 

The choice of this song is based on what you are (maybe) feeling for me. You don't have to wish that someday I will be lonely in lyf. I have been lonely enough even in the middle of a crowd all my lyf.

What worse can you ask for me. What you have gone through was caused by circumstances, it wasn't me. If I fall short of your expectations now, then its not because I have changed. 

Mean

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides

And your wildfire lies and your humiliation

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now

Cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean

All you are is mean

And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life

And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean? 

We set out on this voyage together long back.. and now that I achieved a milestone, I think I lost what mattered to me more than my achievements. I overlooked the fact that my goals and my aims were because you were with me. This moment doesn't mean much to me today, though I always thought about it as a sparkling day is my lyf. I was too busy shaping up my tomorrow that I forgot what a wonderful present I had. These new heights have made me realize how low I have gone. I have been so selfish and so mean. Probably whatever I wrote above means nothing. It seems senseless.

There could be numerous other possibilities. Again it reminds me of the fact the I don't know the your part of this story. And that hurts!!! Yes I remember where I have read this line before. But the question here is not whether I remember or not.. The question really is do you remember it or not?

Just because my eyes are closed, doesn’t mean I’m sleeping
Just because you see no tears, does not mean I am not crying
Just because you see a smile, does not mean that I’m not dying

                            (stolen from An Unknown Girl)

Why did God not give us the power to understand relationships? Was it because he was afraid that we would destroy relationships too? Perhaps we are destroying them by not understanding the complexities in relationships. Why is it that everything has to be shouted out loud. Why can't the other person know what we think about them? Why can't they just reciprocate our feelings? Why couldn't lyf be simpler?

Sparks Fly

I am a little disappointed as slowly day by day I am starting to realize the truth. I knew I had to face it someday and it seems like that day isn't far off now. You did not tell me, but I just know it. I said to you that I don't know anything. I lied. I know that I am gonna miss you. I know that you are gonna miss me too. I know things will never be the same between us. I know whatever that did not happen was never supposed to happen at all. I know that this is just a hopeless trial and I am gonna lose it.

But no matter what, it cannot stop me from writing here on this page where you will never ever reach. And even if you find this page out sometime in future, it won't have any significance. I still won't stop me for wishing for a fairy tale. As I mentioned previously also, I know that this relationship won't work and I am just trying to take in every moment of it and I am trying to lose myself in those moments.

You sometimes feel that I take you for granted. I will never know how much you mean to me and probably no one takes you so seriously as me. I will not write about specific instances because there is no one I want to prove my innocence. If you don't feel it, then it doesn't matter if the whole world knows about it or not. I may have fallen short of your expectations sometimes, but I have my boundaries too. I always tend to bend them for you but still all I hear at the end is that I take you for granted. The thing that hurts the most is that when you are accused of something you never committed, knowingly. What we say, doesn't matter. What matters is how we make them feel. Beyond that, no act of convincing or argument can help you. People will forget what you say to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel. I may not deserver you love, but I really need it!!!

Sparks Fly

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm 

And I'm a house of cards 

You’re the kind of reckless that should send me running 

But I kinda know that I won’t get far 

And you stood there in front of me 

Just close enough to touch 

Close enough to hope you couldn't see 

What I was thinking of 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause' I see sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

My mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea 

You touch me once and it’s really something 

You find I’m even better than you imagined I would be 

I’m on my guard for the rest of the world 

But with you I know it’s no good 

And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

I run my fingers through your hair 

And watch the lights go wild 

Just keep on keeping your eyes on me 

It’s just strong enough to make it feel right 

And lead me up the staircase 

Won't you whisper soft and slow 

I’m captivated by you baby 

Like a fireworks show 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Yeah, my mind forgets to remind me that I am not gonna have you this time. And everytime I talk to you, I forget all of it. I can see is you. All I can admire is you, ignoring the fact about the future. And everytime we part, I come back to this same page, listen to another song, try to find my story in that song and then write it here. I know the story is the same in all the posts, but words are different. The feelings are the same, but the way to express those feelings differ. I am the same, but you differ.. Probably it should be the other way round... You are the same, but I differ. Regret that.

Never Been On The Outside

Expectations... We all have so many expectations from the people we know, from the people we love ... and sometimes even from people whom we don't know. We do feel connected to people whom we may even never have met or haven't talked to them much. Sometimes it just takes one conversation to feel a connection with someone and at times it takes a lifetime to know a person completely. 

This relationship can't work, I know this and you know this very well too and still we hope for a lot of things. Oh god, what mess I have created for myself and for others. A few know about it, others are unaware of what is going on. They only see a smile on my face because that is what I show them. It's not that I am not happy with my lyf... It's just impossible to explain. Still everyone time I see you, every time I meet you, there is an energy that is sparked inside of me. It takes days for me to realize the truth, and just one meeting with you or even one phone call and I am back to square one. I want to capture every moment of the time I spend with you and it keeps me enchanted until we meet again.

The scars of love have inspired some greatest of authors and singers... Taylor Swift.. yes darling you belong to my personal group of "Greatest Singers" !!!  All through my lyf I wished that I love would find me. When it did, it's no more just my lyf.

I have been in a lot of complex situations, some solved by mathematical theorems, some by laws of newton. But this situation is something else. I am unable to come out of it. I am so much into it, that there is no looking back now. No matter how much I try, I cannot solve it. Because I cannot solve it on my own. I have realized this. When will you? Maybe you realized it much before me, but when you don't you want to......

The Outside

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison

I didn't know what I would find

When I went looking for a reason, I know

I didn't read between the lines

And, baby, I've got nowhere to go

I tried to take the road less traveled by

But nothing seems to work the first few times

Am I right?

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside

You saw me there, but never knew

I would give it all up to be

A part of this, a part of you

And now it's all too late so you see

You could've helped if you had wanted to

But no one notices until it's too

Late to do anything

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside 

I never knew that pain is, until I knew what is love. Love without pain is not love. You won't realize that you are in love unless it hurts you from the inside. I can still see you in my mind, but this was never the view I thought I will have of you. As described by this song, this ain't the best view, but from where I see you happy and a part of your own crowd. I could never be a part of your closed loop. I always saw me outside of your crowd, but you never knew what all I did to be a part of it. I will never tell you and I will not even write those in this blog. Those will remain in my memories and will die with me. It's a lonely place back here. I have no idea what is happening when it comes to love. No one does! There's no pattern with which you can identify and plan for the next steps. The only thing common is that is happens to all of us.