Come Back... Be Here

I should probably write Enchanted - II. This post might seem to be very cryptic but this spans across recent 6 months and the events that happened in this time in that order. Now it will make some sense maybe. 

I have always written this about memories that the go

I miss spending time with you so much. Whatever we talked about that night, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night in Keywest, was so true and disagreeing with you on some of the things wasn’t something that came as planned. You were right, people will never understand us. They will always think about one thing. They can never understand the purity of our relationship. Maybe I was the one wrong again. It’s like humans are programmed to think only in a very limited manner. No matter we landed on the moon in 1969 or the Mars landing in 1997, people still  restrict their thinking about relationships too much. 

Again, I know saying Thanks is meaningless. I have started feeling short of words to describe my emotions. Every little time I get to spend with you, brings so much new things to my lyf. I think I might have mentioned this previously in some of my posts, but just wanted to bring it up again. Just like what a worshiper of God feels after visiting a sacred place. 

We are so close but still so far away. And I hate this feeling. No one will understand us except just the two of us. I know its probably best not to disturb you, but I am so much in need of you. Yes as usual, I am being selfish. You remember our conversation that night at Duval St. Now you know what I meant at that time. I have always been so selfish and that’s what I hate about myself. I talk to you when I am able to. I need you when I am alone. 

I knew it would be a difficult Friday and its just Sunday and I am having troubles waiting for the night to come over and take me into sleep so that when I wake up in the morning, I have my work to keep me indulged. I don’t know I work because I like it or I just work because it makes me forget that I miss you so much. Now, I am alone, but nothing stops. Loneliness does not make time stop. I wish it would, but that would be even more suffocating. Every time I meet you and go far away, I end up coming more close to you. Is this what we were destined to be?

Come Back... Be Here

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison; Wilson, Dan;

You said it in a simple way,

4 AM, the second day,

How strange that I don't know you at all.

Stumbled through the long goodbye,

One last kiss, then catch your flight,

Right when I was just about to fall

I told myself, "Don't get attached,"

But in my mind I play it back,

Spinning faster than the plane that took you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,

I don't wanna miss you like this,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

I guess you're in New York today,

I don't wanna need you this way,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

The delicate beginning rush,

The feeling you can know so much,

Without knowing anything at all.

And now that I can't put this down,

If I had known what I'd known now,

I never would have played so nonchalant.

Taxi cabs and busy streets,

That never bring you back to me,

I can't help but wish you took me with you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,

I don't wanna miss you like this,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

I guess you're in London today,

I don't wanna need you this way,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

This is falling in love in the cruelest way,

This is falling for you when you are worlds away.

New York... be here.

But you're in London and I break down,

'Cause it's not fair that you're not around.

This is when the feeling sinks in,

I don't wanna miss you like this,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

I guess you're in New York today,

And I don't wanna need you this way,

Come back... be here, come back... be here.

I don't wanna miss you like this.

Come back... be here.

Come back... be here.

Its true that people will forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Maybe they do it unintentional, but they forget how the other person may feel about the situation. 

Traveling in plane has a new meaning for me. It brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know what that is, why that is. I don’t want to understand. I don’t want to give any name to our relationship. When you give a name to our relationship, people will start thinking and expecting things from us. They will never understand the meaning of our friendship or love.. or whatever it is. I think one day we both.. nah .. not both.. one day I will have to stop and think about it. For how long I will escape the acknowledgement of our friendship. It reminds me again of the that day in 1998 that someone once said to me that the most precious relationship in this world is friendship. Love doesn’t stand a chance with friendship.

You used to say that I talk to you one it is feasible for me. Yes thats true. I so much hate myself for that feeling. But this is true as well that I miss you more than I’d ever admit and you know why, isn't it?

We stayed awake so late and we talked about our dreams and our future plans. I just wish somehow whatever you said it becomes possible one day. I just hope one day we achieve what we both want in this lyf. 

What is it that I would change in my past if I got one chance? My answer to that was - I would not have changed anything in my lyf, but in someone else’s lyf which might have made their present and future a time to cherish. I don’t know if that would have been possible or not, because  its difficult to control anyone’s feelings. Maybe I would have just tried and failed miserably and still wrote this blog and said this all over again “Lyf Sucks !!!”

I can’t just forget the past even though you may have moved on, but its difficult to imagine what you have been through in your lyf. I really wish I had the remote control to the happiness of your lyf. I swear, I would have done anything in my control to make you smile. I can’t help but remember how many sleepless nights you have spent and how many tears you have let out just in the hope that things will turn back the way they used to be. 

I ruined it all. I did the biggest mistake of all. I am not here apologizing for anything as it does not make sense anymore. I can’t even ask for forgiveness. This mistake can only have a punishment and not forgiveness. I know I have hurt you all through the last 5 years or so and but its time to let you fly away now. Just a little bit more pain and I promise you will be fine. That's what they say when you enter into an operation theatre. 

I know it's not over for sure, but I will try to stay away from your lyf, pretending it is over. I think its best for us. You deserve a better friend than me. You could never count on me to tackle all your problems in lyf... and now, you can't trust me ever in your lyf. I am used to breaking the hearts of people who have trusted me. I just can't forget that night. Wish I could undo all the stupid things in my lyf. 

I want to request you.. don't hate me... I am not that bad. Maybe I am... so its OK to hate me. If I can't stop hating myself, then what should I expect from you. Some things just leave a permanent scar in your lyf that you start hoping when this lyf will end. When this pain will be gone? When will I start breathing? Situations beyond our control parted us, and my heart has been breaking since.  I should stop complaining because I am the reason for this situation. Doesn't matter how much I apologize, I can't make you feel any better. 

Saying Sorry is the toughest thing... I haven't yet found the courage to e-mail or call you and say "Sorry for what I said and did". I don't know when I can stand up and face myself. I don't know when again I will start accepting the night. For now, I just can't wait to see the end of this night. I am dying to see the sun. I am dying to see the new beginning.

It feels like I lost a part of me and there is no one with whom I can share this. The one with whom I could have shared itself is gone now. But I guess you are feeling the same too. You were the reason for this blog. I don't feel like logging in to my e-mail anymore. I don't feel like posting anything anymore. Maybe I should just shut it down. I feel so empty inside... just plain vacuum.

I cry inside my heart every single day... I am not saying this to convince anyone or to try to make it up to you. I wish I could find out what is that something that I should do to make it all back fine. Why it is so difficult to make choices in lyf. Choices which we sometimes make and we just have to live by those because people's lives depend of those. Choices which we have to honor beyond any commitment and sacrifice.

I just feel so sick of myself. I have no words to explain how much I hate myself. I can't curse myself enough to make things alright again. God, I wish I knew the key. I really don't know what to do. I am just so lost in this journey and alone like a child in the dark night in the middle of the road.

It's been more than 2 months. Lyf has not stopped. Work has not stopped. It will go on. We can't let anything hamper our ability to work and make a living. I have so much to share with you. Without you, there is no happiness to share. Lyf has just become a bunch of happenings which I am getting used to now a days. I will always remember the time we spent together... those late nights... those early mornings... those breakfast tables... that coffee.. the long drives... the long phone calls.... all the plans we used to make for buying new gadgets...

Don't forgive me and don't forget me.. Make me a part of your memory that reminds you always to not trust people like me who don't deserve your friendship and trust. Atleast I will be of some use to you. 

And I Almost Do !!!

I don't know what I am writing for. Shall I write a simple e-mail rather than this blog? How does it matter. In this virtual world, no one knows who I am and what I am writing about. No one cares that much. No one has time to understand. After all, I have not been able to make myself famous.

I know what it means to die everyday a little bit more than yesterday. I want you to know that you're still on my mind, but I cannot confess it to you anymore. You'll probably see this pretty soon, and that's the reason I wrote this.

Sometimes you just cant explain what you are going through. You have to just feel it. It may not be the most comfortable feeling in the world, though it sometimes is worth the pain to understand others. 

You think my lyf has the best of everything in it and I am the most happy person in this world. Well no one in this world is happy. If you see them happy, its just that they are hiding their pains and problems deep within themselves. I have become somewhat of those kinds. I tend to keep things to myself. I try to stay as much cool and happy as I can, but I am a human being, sometimes I too have to let it out. And this is the place where I write my heart and soul. How long I can live like this, I am not sure about it. I wish I could tell someone all the things that I have always wanted to. There is no one with whom I want to share all that. That's why most of the times I stay quiet on the outside, but keep talking with myself inside. I am not cribbing about what the heck lyf I have and all of my problems. I am just trying to come to terms with myself in accepting all this by writing it here. 

I Almost Do

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another goodbye.

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.
It's probably better off this way.
And I confess babe,
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you.
And I almost do.

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me, not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.

I am aware that even at odd times in the night (or morning I should say) you are thinking about me. So as the song says, I just want to tell you that it's not easy for me not to call you and not stay in touch. It's so damn tough, that I never thought I would do it. I am keeping this distance not with you, but with my own self. I am not myself anymore. I am trying not to hurt you more, but eventually I will end up still hurting by staying away. That is the irony and that is why I say lyf sucks. Lyf begins when your comfort zone ends. I want to talk to you, but I don't want to reopen your wound. I think you have learnt to live without me even near to your daily lyf. I think this is good as well as the most painful part for me to accept, but I will learn and finally accept it.

I was thinking we would meet up in the little time we got. We didn't even talk, leave aside the plan to be together. I am not blaming you or me. There were days when we couldn't think about not talking to each other. A year and a half back, we were together, awake till 4 AM drinking till the time we could not stand anymore. Will we ever get back our past? I wish we could.. but I just hate the thought of hurting you again. Either ways, its painful. 

No Time For Love - Superman

You say I do not have time for you. Do you know how painful my lyf is? It hurts so bad. Someone, please just cure me even if that requires to eliminate my existence and end my pain. You don't know that I am always busy thinking about you only. We both started on the same career path a couple of years ago. Didn't know that it would lead us here today. Things have changed. The crowd of people whom we used to have around us have vanished. 

You wanted us to work hard. I am excelling what I love to do in my lyf. I may be over-rating myself, but I have that determination and will to take me to new heights and make me a successful person. I know somewhere deep down your heart you know that I am doing the right things. This is what I was always bound to do. People are trusting me to do a lot of things for them. I can't break their trust so that I can get yours. That said, it's also not possible for me to face myself with the feeling that I have betrayed you. I have virtually forced you into so many decisions in lyf and now I just can't walk away saying that I do not have time for you. I know this is not done. Maybe I have become too selfish in this race to become successful. You have turned me into some kind of a superhero and now I can't just let that everyone's faith in me to shake. 

I’ve decided not to think about you and I am starting to get used to not talking to you. I’m trying to be happy even though you can’t see the sadness and loss that I’ve been feeling.  I have been trying to be strong in front the world. I’ve been hurt way too many times by you but you don’t have any slightest idea about it. You thought I was happy all this while and supporting you. Yes, I am happy as long as you are happy but deep down inside, my mind is on fire and my heart is burned into ashes. I don’t know why am I killing myself like this. Do you even know how badly I want inside just to be with you? I want you to be mine but I can’t make it happen. Because time doesn’t allow us to be together. Circumstances don't allow us as well. Have you ever been in a situation where you don't have any choice left but just to agree with the decision that someone else has taken for you, even if you know it's totally insane to accept it. I have been there. I have accepted those decisions. It is complicated and ironic too at the same time. Well that's why I say lyf sucks and I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I let you down and to see you this way you are makes me hurt inside. I wish I could tell you to move on and forget me. I have found it too fearful to even try to say what my heart and mind knows needs to be told to you. You will probably end up feeling deserted and screaming out loud to me what I have never had the courage to say to you.

I don't even know what I want anymore from my lyf. Success in profession will never come along with you in my lyf. I have learned it the hard way. Every time I start to believe in lyf again, it's taken away the next instant. Maybe we’re better if we’re like this, and you’ll be happy with what you would chose or should I say whom.

Superman

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

Tall, dark and super manly

Puts papers in his briefcase and drives away

To save the world or go to work

It's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition

I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him

I hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say "How are you?"

And I'll say, "Just fine"

I always forget to tell you I love you

I'll love you forever

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Tall, dark and beautiful

He's complicated, he's irrational

But I hope someday he'll take me away

And save the day, yeah

Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying

He's not all bad like his reputation

And I can't hear one single word they say

And you'll leave, got places to be

And I'll be okay

I always forget to tell you I love you

I loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

And I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

And I watch you fly around the world

And I hope you don't chase another girl

Don't forget, don't forget about me

I'm far away, but I'll never let you go

I'm lovestruck and looking out the window

Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be

Right here wishing the flowers were from you

Wishing the card was from you

Wishing the call was from you

'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around forever and ever

I watched Superman fly away

I swear, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Come back down

As Meredith Grey says "Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it, and lyf always makes more."

I had really moved on from the last post and the offline events after that. But certainly it seems the past has not yet vanished out. It has come back again. I am fed of up this cat and mouse game. This is exactly why I wrote in my previous post "I know what it is to go insane". But people don't trust me. The same old google searches are back... now a little more blunt and straight to the point. My blog has become a kind of a clue to the puzzle to locate people. I am so sorry about it. I wish I could help. 

So whatever is the reason, please stop searching and associating "______ ______ radio" and "______ ______ facebook" keywords with my blog. It has nothing to do "them" anymore.

Yes I am back to spelling it as LYF.. and  that's what sucks. 

Never Been On The Outside

Expectations... We all have so many expectations from the people we know, from the people we love ... and sometimes even from people whom we don't know. We do feel connected to people whom we may even never have met or haven't talked to them much. Sometimes it just takes one conversation to feel a connection with someone and at times it takes a lifetime to know a person completely. 

This relationship can't work, I know this and you know this very well too and still we hope for a lot of things. Oh god, what mess I have created for myself and for others. A few know about it, others are unaware of what is going on. They only see a smile on my face because that is what I show them. It's not that I am not happy with my lyf... It's just impossible to explain. Still everyone time I see you, every time I meet you, there is an energy that is sparked inside of me. It takes days for me to realize the truth, and just one meeting with you or even one phone call and I am back to square one. I want to capture every moment of the time I spend with you and it keeps me enchanted until we meet again.

The scars of love have inspired some greatest of authors and singers... Taylor Swift.. yes darling you belong to my personal group of "Greatest Singers" !!!  All through my lyf I wished that I love would find me. When it did, it's no more just my lyf.

I have been in a lot of complex situations, some solved by mathematical theorems, some by laws of newton. But this situation is something else. I am unable to come out of it. I am so much into it, that there is no looking back now. No matter how much I try, I cannot solve it. Because I cannot solve it on my own. I have realized this. When will you? Maybe you realized it much before me, but when you don't you want to......

The Outside

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison

I didn't know what I would find

When I went looking for a reason, I know

I didn't read between the lines

And, baby, I've got nowhere to go

I tried to take the road less traveled by

But nothing seems to work the first few times

Am I right?

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside

You saw me there, but never knew

I would give it all up to be

A part of this, a part of you

And now it's all too late so you see

You could've helped if you had wanted to

But no one notices until it's too

Late to do anything

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside 

I never knew that pain is, until I knew what is love. Love without pain is not love. You won't realize that you are in love unless it hurts you from the inside. I can still see you in my mind, but this was never the view I thought I will have of you. As described by this song, this ain't the best view, but from where I see you happy and a part of your own crowd. I could never be a part of your closed loop. I always saw me outside of your crowd, but you never knew what all I did to be a part of it. I will never tell you and I will not even write those in this blog. Those will remain in my memories and will die with me. It's a lonely place back here. I have no idea what is happening when it comes to love. No one does! There's no pattern with which you can identify and plan for the next steps. The only thing common is that is happens to all of us.