I'm Haunted (.............)

I have a very strange relationship with December, so how could I let it go without posting anything. I have been trying to write this one for the last 1 month or so. Probably the longest I have ever taken to write any post. Most of them are just a couple of hours of the unending lonely time. Last year... same time, things were so much different and better. A year more back in the history... still better. Is it still going to get worst next December? Why can't we just write a computer program to delete the memories from history which hurt us? I wish we could do that. 

I can cry all I want, and wish for things to be different, but that won't change anything in reality. It like I don't know who I am anymore. I need to start on a journey to find myself and then try to fix all my problems. I always have had this fear that you'll wake up and realize that I'm not as great as you once thought I was. I often find myself wondering about life, and whether or not anyone would care if I was here or not. I don't believe in running away from my problems. But right now, I'd do anything to get away from this place.

It would only be a matter of time before we both realize that the relationship could fall apart soon. I know that your memories would haunt me forever, but I hope that I would be able to accept my defeat boldly. Those memories would always remind me that I am a loser who never even understood the reason for losing. Still I know that it is because of me that I have lost that relationship. Yes I may be a loser, but I don't want to be called as Devdas as I have mentioned previously in some comments. There's no glory is being called a loser. All we have left is broken promises and broken hearts. Even if I had known this was the end, I would have still wanted to start.

Haunted

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

It's getting dark, and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

Oh, I'm holding my breath

Won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

He would try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

Oh, I'm holding my breath

Won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

I know, I know

I just know

You're not gone

You can't be gone, no

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

And what's with the google search "killing me softly back to december". Seems like that post has become really famous that people are so fond of searching that post so frequently on the internet. What is so special in that post? I am yet to figure that out. Can you help me find this answer? By the way, I haven't experienced the same situation as you because all I have gone through might just be a few co-incidents. But I know what it means to go "insane". I know what's Deja Vu. I know what it means to be "freaked out". It is as if history is repeating itself with the same characters but in exactly opposite role. Sometimes goodbyes happen so suddenly and it breaks you down to the core. But as time goes on and you see the bigger picture, you will realize that you have became stronger. "Goodbye" became your motivation. It becomes an encouragement to make life worth living. This is exactly from me to you. Thank You for being a brief part in my lyf!!!

Something keeps me holding on to nothing...........

Mean

I can just not make you feel happy. No matter what I do you're always mad at me and I can't change your mind. And will not even try to change any of your perception about me. If you have to love me, then love me for the the what you see in me... don't love me for what I tell about myself. 

If you think I am Mean.. then so be it. I will face the brunt of this allegation all throughout my lyf. But I know that I have never been mean. I am not going to write down a list of all my sacrifices here.. because probably I don't have enough. I am not God. I may have made mistakes. I am just a human being. 

With this post, I just want to convey this to you. I am not mean. I just hope you don't feel I am a liar. Mean are those who are so busy trying to bring you down that they never bother to find the time to bring themselves up. I have always wanted you to succeed in lyf, no matter if it required a little give-up from me. I have never told you about those small and petty things which are not big enough to matter with respect to you. Don't run away from me. Realize that I am the one who is with you, rather than against you. Don't tell me that I have to prove it. I won't be able to. You know it doesn't hurt more when people you love don't love you back, but it hurts the most when they don't trust you anymore. This famous quote finds its perfect place in this post here...

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me." 

The choice of this song is based on what you are (maybe) feeling for me. You don't have to wish that someday I will be lonely in lyf. I have been lonely enough even in the middle of a crowd all my lyf.

What worse can you ask for me. What you have gone through was caused by circumstances, it wasn't me. If I fall short of your expectations now, then its not because I have changed. 

Mean

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides

And your wildfire lies and your humiliation

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now

Cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean

All you are is mean

And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life

And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever going to be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean? 

We set out on this voyage together long back.. and now that I achieved a milestone, I think I lost what mattered to me more than my achievements. I overlooked the fact that my goals and my aims were because you were with me. This moment doesn't mean much to me today, though I always thought about it as a sparkling day is my lyf. I was too busy shaping up my tomorrow that I forgot what a wonderful present I had. These new heights have made me realize how low I have gone. I have been so selfish and so mean. Probably whatever I wrote above means nothing. It seems senseless.

There could be numerous other possibilities. Again it reminds me of the fact the I don't know the your part of this story. And that hurts!!! Yes I remember where I have read this line before. But the question here is not whether I remember or not.. The question really is do you remember it or not?

Just because my eyes are closed, doesn’t mean I’m sleeping
Just because you see no tears, does not mean I am not crying
Just because you see a smile, does not mean that I’m not dying

                            (stolen from An Unknown Girl)

Why did God not give us the power to understand relationships? Was it because he was afraid that we would destroy relationships too? Perhaps we are destroying them by not understanding the complexities in relationships. Why is it that everything has to be shouted out loud. Why can't the other person know what we think about them? Why can't they just reciprocate our feelings? Why couldn't lyf be simpler?

Sparks Fly

I am a little disappointed as slowly day by day I am starting to realize the truth. I knew I had to face it someday and it seems like that day isn't far off now. You did not tell me, but I just know it. I said to you that I don't know anything. I lied. I know that I am gonna miss you. I know that you are gonna miss me too. I know things will never be the same between us. I know whatever that did not happen was never supposed to happen at all. I know that this is just a hopeless trial and I am gonna lose it.

But no matter what, it cannot stop me from writing here on this page where you will never ever reach. And even if you find this page out sometime in future, it won't have any significance. I still won't stop me for wishing for a fairy tale. As I mentioned previously also, I know that this relationship won't work and I am just trying to take in every moment of it and I am trying to lose myself in those moments.

You sometimes feel that I take you for granted. I will never know how much you mean to me and probably no one takes you so seriously as me. I will not write about specific instances because there is no one I want to prove my innocence. If you don't feel it, then it doesn't matter if the whole world knows about it or not. I may have fallen short of your expectations sometimes, but I have my boundaries too. I always tend to bend them for you but still all I hear at the end is that I take you for granted. The thing that hurts the most is that when you are accused of something you never committed, knowingly. What we say, doesn't matter. What matters is how we make them feel. Beyond that, no act of convincing or argument can help you. People will forget what you say to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel. I may not deserver you love, but I really need it!!!

Sparks Fly

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm 

And I'm a house of cards 

You’re the kind of reckless that should send me running 

But I kinda know that I won’t get far 

And you stood there in front of me 

Just close enough to touch 

Close enough to hope you couldn't see 

What I was thinking of 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause' I see sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

My mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea 

You touch me once and it’s really something 

You find I’m even better than you imagined I would be 

I’m on my guard for the rest of the world 

But with you I know it’s no good 

And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

I run my fingers through your hair 

And watch the lights go wild 

Just keep on keeping your eyes on me 

It’s just strong enough to make it feel right 

And lead me up the staircase 

Won't you whisper soft and slow 

I’m captivated by you baby 

Like a fireworks show 

Drop everything now 

Meet me in the pouring rain 

Kiss me on the sidewalk 

Take away the pain 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Get me with those green eyes, baby 

As the lights go down 

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 

Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile 

Yeah, my mind forgets to remind me that I am not gonna have you this time. And everytime I talk to you, I forget all of it. I can see is you. All I can admire is you, ignoring the fact about the future. And everytime we part, I come back to this same page, listen to another song, try to find my story in that song and then write it here. I know the story is the same in all the posts, but words are different. The feelings are the same, but the way to express those feelings differ. I am the same, but you differ.. Probably it should be the other way round... You are the same, but I differ. Regret that.

Never Been On The Outside

Expectations... We all have so many expectations from the people we know, from the people we love ... and sometimes even from people whom we don't know. We do feel connected to people whom we may even never have met or haven't talked to them much. Sometimes it just takes one conversation to feel a connection with someone and at times it takes a lifetime to know a person completely. 

This relationship can't work, I know this and you know this very well too and still we hope for a lot of things. Oh god, what mess I have created for myself and for others. A few know about it, others are unaware of what is going on. They only see a smile on my face because that is what I show them. It's not that I am not happy with my lyf... It's just impossible to explain. Still everyone time I see you, every time I meet you, there is an energy that is sparked inside of me. It takes days for me to realize the truth, and just one meeting with you or even one phone call and I am back to square one. I want to capture every moment of the time I spend with you and it keeps me enchanted until we meet again.

The scars of love have inspired some greatest of authors and singers... Taylor Swift.. yes darling you belong to my personal group of "Greatest Singers" !!!  All through my lyf I wished that I love would find me. When it did, it's no more just my lyf.

I have been in a lot of complex situations, some solved by mathematical theorems, some by laws of newton. But this situation is something else. I am unable to come out of it. I am so much into it, that there is no looking back now. No matter how much I try, I cannot solve it. Because I cannot solve it on my own. I have realized this. When will you? Maybe you realized it much before me, but when you don't you want to......

The Outside

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison

I didn't know what I would find

When I went looking for a reason, I know

I didn't read between the lines

And, baby, I've got nowhere to go

I tried to take the road less traveled by

But nothing seems to work the first few times

Am I right?

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside

You saw me there, but never knew

I would give it all up to be

A part of this, a part of you

And now it's all too late so you see

You could've helped if you had wanted to

But no one notices until it's too

Late to do anything

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside 

I never knew that pain is, until I knew what is love. Love without pain is not love. You won't realize that you are in love unless it hurts you from the inside. I can still see you in my mind, but this was never the view I thought I will have of you. As described by this song, this ain't the best view, but from where I see you happy and a part of your own crowd. I could never be a part of your closed loop. I always saw me outside of your crowd, but you never knew what all I did to be a part of it. I will never tell you and I will not even write those in this blog. Those will remain in my memories and will die with me. It's a lonely place back here. I have no idea what is happening when it comes to love. No one does! There's no pattern with which you can identify and plan for the next steps. The only thing common is that is happens to all of us.

I Was Enchanted To Meet You !!!

I am almost fed of living this lyf. Most of the times I have to put on a mask which assures everyone around me that I am happy and I have everything I have ever wanted. That's true as well.. to some extent. 

I don't know whether it is coincidence or you are reading my blog. I am pretty sure you are not reading it or else you would have been mad at me by now. But feeling lonely in a crowd, I wrote about it in one of my previous posts. I guess its only a coincidence because most of us are in that situation. The one writing this and all those who are reading it (if any). We all feel so lonely at some of the most crowded places. We make ourself smile, just to make sure no one knows what is going on inside us. 

There was something special about this evening. I don't know if it was in a good sense or not. I can only comprehend the situation according to me. The aura of the evening was such that even the darkest night was brightly lit. As it is said that the night is darkest just before the dawn. But even before the dawn, it never seemed like it was dark. No matter how the day started, no matter what we both went through in the day, but the evening and the following night was just marvellous. This special night was only because I met you. I don't remember when I felt like this was ever before. Yes I was, enchanted to meet you. 

Since I first heard this song when the album was released in October last year, I have wanted to write about this song and us. But I was looking for a perfect instance or the perfect feeling about it. So now I guess its time....

Enchanted

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles. 

Same old tired, lonely place. 

Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes, and vacancy vanished when I saw your face.

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you. 

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?" 

Across the room, your silhouette

starts to make its way to me. 

The playful conversation starts

counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy. 

And it was enchanting to meet you. 

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you. 

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

The lingering question kept me up, 

2 a.m., "Who do you love?"

I wondered 'til I'm wide awake.

And now I'm pacing back and forth, 

wishing you were at my door.

I'd open up and you would say, 

"Hey, it was enchanting to meet you. 

All I know is I was enchanted to meet you."

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew--

This night is flawless, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

This is me praying that this was the very first page,

not where the story line ends.

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon, 

"I was enchanted to meet you."

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you. 

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I spent forever wonderin' if you knew-- 

This night is flawless, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.

I spent forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

I don't know where our careers are going to take us, but in my thoughts we are not far apart. My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again!!!

When I was driving back alone, I was thinking if I was in your thoughts... If I am the one you are thinking about... If I am the one that matters the most to you... I never had the courage to ask you and will also never ask you. Somewhere deep down inside my heart, I already know the answer and I don't want you to say it. There are a lot more questions which I would rather never ask you. I don't know the other side of the story. 

It happens a lot of time. We meet someone, somewhere for a short period of time and once its over, we are thinking about that person. We don't know if it will turn into anything because we don't ask anything much beyond what we thought we would talk when we meet. So that's why these questions and these thoughts keep hanging around us. 

You feel like dancing, when you first meet someone who makes you feel happy after a long time - just like the first summer breeze of the year, it takes you by surprise and suddenly you feel good and you can't stop thinking about that person. You blush every time you remember their face or their talks, and you're not in love, but... you feel like living a brand new lyf, happy, somehow. Maybe you'll soon forget that feeling and that person will quickly fade away in your mind, but you just know that it makes you feel complete. All you can think about is that you'd spend hours talking to them, you're obsessed by the memory of every second you have spent with them, and you feel like you should have said more.

Some relationships are better not classified into any category.

"No matter what comes our way. No matter what battle we have raging inside of us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. Our choices are what makes us who we are. And we always have the choice to do what’s right."


Posting this one today (4/17), but sticking it to the time and day I should have posted it. There's a reason for it... I will remember it alwaiz... I know it.. I will never forget that night...

The Story Of Us - Tragedy Now !!!

Taylor swift recently started her Speak Now tour in Singapore with this song called "The Story Of Us". Actually this was the third song in her performance.

Yes probably the story of us... Which we thought of as an unending tale...is almost over now. The memory burned out... The ashes are what remains of that relationship now... And certainly its not helping in my survival. Did you not know how it is to feel lonely... I thought no one would ever know more about it than you... Still you let this tragic end happen to our story? Does it ever bother you? Do you ever think about it? 


Have you never felt alone at a party where everyone else is shouting at the top of their voice and you are standing in one corner, feeling like there is nothing to speak now. It's all in the feelings.

Can separation be a thing to celebrate? If yes, then would you call it as an act of bravery or cowardice. Well I guess from what perspective you see the situation. This has been a topic that has kept me wondering whether I want to write about it or not. It's not like if its not celebrating, it may still end up on my blog... for some un-realized (read as un-disclosed) reasons. Yes so it's time to celebrate the end now. I realize that there is no more hope left. The other day you innocently asked me what was missing in your lyf... And I was stupid enough to scream within my heart... That's me sweetheart!!! I wish I had the courage to say it out loud to you.

The Story Of Us

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

How we met and the sparks flew instantly

People would say, "they're the lucky ones"

I used to know my place was a spot next to you

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication

Miscommunications lead to fall out

So many things that I wish you knew

So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes

And trying to look busy

And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us

How I was losing my mind when I saw you here

But you held your pride like you should have held me

Oh, we're scared to see the ending

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less

But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now

But I would lay my armor down

If you'd say you'd rather love than fight

So many things that you wish I knew

But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

'cause we're going down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Definitely I will miss something in my left over lyf, but I am not complaining about it anymore. It was always my decision, so I don't want to sound childish, regretting the past. I have heard the loud sound of silence. If you haven't
Our story was destined to messed up. We can't turn things back, or try to make things right. There is just too much damage that has happened. I ask this question again, I don't know to whom, why do we attach ourselves to the people if we don't know whether they will be with us forever or not.  The problem with getting attached to someone is that when you lose them, you lose yourself. The irony is that you leave the whole world for just one person, and that person leaves you for the world.

If I try hard enough I'm sure I could forget you. One day I will get out of these memory lanes.