Never Been On The Outside

Expectations... We all have so many expectations from the people we know, from the people we love ... and sometimes even from people whom we don't know. We do feel connected to people whom we may even never have met or haven't talked to them much. Sometimes it just takes one conversation to feel a connection with someone and at times it takes a lifetime to know a person completely. 

This relationship can't work, I know this and you know this very well too and still we hope for a lot of things. Oh god, what mess I have created for myself and for others. A few know about it, others are unaware of what is going on. They only see a smile on my face because that is what I show them. It's not that I am not happy with my lyf... It's just impossible to explain. Still everyone time I see you, every time I meet you, there is an energy that is sparked inside of me. It takes days for me to realize the truth, and just one meeting with you or even one phone call and I am back to square one. I want to capture every moment of the time I spend with you and it keeps me enchanted until we meet again.

The scars of love have inspired some greatest of authors and singers... Taylor Swift.. yes darling you belong to my personal group of "Greatest Singers" !!!  All through my lyf I wished that I love would find me. When it did, it's no more just my lyf.

I have been in a lot of complex situations, some solved by mathematical theorems, some by laws of newton. But this situation is something else. I am unable to come out of it. I am so much into it, that there is no looking back now. No matter how much I try, I cannot solve it. Because I cannot solve it on my own. I have realized this. When will you? Maybe you realized it much before me, but when you don't you want to......

The Outside

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison

I didn't know what I would find

When I went looking for a reason, I know

I didn't read between the lines

And, baby, I've got nowhere to go

I tried to take the road less traveled by

But nothing seems to work the first few times

Am I right?

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside

You saw me there, but never knew

I would give it all up to be

A part of this, a part of you

And now it's all too late so you see

You could've helped if you had wanted to

But no one notices until it's too

Late to do anything

So how can I ever try to be better?

Nobody ever lets me in

I can still see you, this ain't the best view

On the outside looking in

I've been a lot of lonely places

I've never been on the outside 

I never knew that pain is, until I knew what is love. Love without pain is not love. You won't realize that you are in love unless it hurts you from the inside. I can still see you in my mind, but this was never the view I thought I will have of you. As described by this song, this ain't the best view, but from where I see you happy and a part of your own crowd. I could never be a part of your closed loop. I always saw me outside of your crowd, but you never knew what all I did to be a part of it. I will never tell you and I will not even write those in this blog. Those will remain in my memories and will die with me. It's a lonely place back here. I have no idea what is happening when it comes to love. No one does! There's no pattern with which you can identify and plan for the next steps. The only thing common is that is happens to all of us.

I Was Enchanted To Meet You !!!

I am almost fed of living this lyf. Most of the times I have to put on a mask which assures everyone around me that I am happy and I have everything I have ever wanted. That's true as well.. to some extent. 

I don't know whether it is coincidence or you are reading my blog. I am pretty sure you are not reading it or else you would have been mad at me by now. But feeling lonely in a crowd, I wrote about it in one of my previous posts. I guess its only a coincidence because most of us are in that situation. The one writing this and all those who are reading it (if any). We all feel so lonely at some of the most crowded places. We make ourself smile, just to make sure no one knows what is going on inside us. 

There was something special about this evening. I don't know if it was in a good sense or not. I can only comprehend the situation according to me. The aura of the evening was such that even the darkest night was brightly lit. As it is said that the night is darkest just before the dawn. But even before the dawn, it never seemed like it was dark. No matter how the day started, no matter what we both went through in the day, but the evening and the following night was just marvellous. This special night was only because I met you. I don't remember when I felt like this was ever before. Yes I was, enchanted to meet you. 

Since I first heard this song when the album was released in October last year, I have wanted to write about this song and us. But I was looking for a perfect instance or the perfect feeling about it. So now I guess its time....

Enchanted

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles. 

Same old tired, lonely place. 

Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes, and vacancy vanished when I saw your face.

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you. 

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?" 

Across the room, your silhouette

starts to make its way to me. 

The playful conversation starts

counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy. 

And it was enchanting to meet you. 

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you. 

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

The lingering question kept me up, 

2 a.m., "Who do you love?"

I wondered 'til I'm wide awake.

And now I'm pacing back and forth, 

wishing you were at my door.

I'd open up and you would say, 

"Hey, it was enchanting to meet you. 

All I know is I was enchanted to meet you."

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew--

This night is flawless, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.

I'll spend forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

This is me praying that this was the very first page,

not where the story line ends.

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon, 

"I was enchanted to meet you."

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you. 

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.

I spent forever wonderin' if you knew-- 

This night is flawless, don't you let it go.

I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.

I spent forever wonderin' if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

Please don't be in love with someone else.

Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

I don't know where our careers are going to take us, but in my thoughts we are not far apart. My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again!!!

When I was driving back alone, I was thinking if I was in your thoughts... If I am the one you are thinking about... If I am the one that matters the most to you... I never had the courage to ask you and will also never ask you. Somewhere deep down inside my heart, I already know the answer and I don't want you to say it. There are a lot more questions which I would rather never ask you. I don't know the other side of the story. 

It happens a lot of time. We meet someone, somewhere for a short period of time and once its over, we are thinking about that person. We don't know if it will turn into anything because we don't ask anything much beyond what we thought we would talk when we meet. So that's why these questions and these thoughts keep hanging around us. 

You feel like dancing, when you first meet someone who makes you feel happy after a long time - just like the first summer breeze of the year, it takes you by surprise and suddenly you feel good and you can't stop thinking about that person. You blush every time you remember their face or their talks, and you're not in love, but... you feel like living a brand new lyf, happy, somehow. Maybe you'll soon forget that feeling and that person will quickly fade away in your mind, but you just know that it makes you feel complete. All you can think about is that you'd spend hours talking to them, you're obsessed by the memory of every second you have spent with them, and you feel like you should have said more.

Some relationships are better not classified into any category.

"No matter what comes our way. No matter what battle we have raging inside of us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. Our choices are what makes us who we are. And we always have the choice to do what’s right."


Posting this one today (4/17), but sticking it to the time and day I should have posted it. There's a reason for it... I will remember it alwaiz... I know it.. I will never forget that night...

The Story Of Us - Tragedy Now !!!

Taylor swift recently started her Speak Now tour in Singapore with this song called "The Story Of Us". Actually this was the third song in her performance.

Yes probably the story of us... Which we thought of as an unending tale...is almost over now. The memory burned out... The ashes are what remains of that relationship now... And certainly its not helping in my survival. Did you not know how it is to feel lonely... I thought no one would ever know more about it than you... Still you let this tragic end happen to our story? Does it ever bother you? Do you ever think about it? 


Have you never felt alone at a party where everyone else is shouting at the top of their voice and you are standing in one corner, feeling like there is nothing to speak now. It's all in the feelings.

Can separation be a thing to celebrate? If yes, then would you call it as an act of bravery or cowardice. Well I guess from what perspective you see the situation. This has been a topic that has kept me wondering whether I want to write about it or not. It's not like if its not celebrating, it may still end up on my blog... for some un-realized (read as un-disclosed) reasons. Yes so it's time to celebrate the end now. I realize that there is no more hope left. The other day you innocently asked me what was missing in your lyf... And I was stupid enough to scream within my heart... That's me sweetheart!!! I wish I had the courage to say it out loud to you.

The Story Of Us

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

How we met and the sparks flew instantly

People would say, "they're the lucky ones"

I used to know my place was a spot next to you

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication

Miscommunications lead to fall out

So many things that I wish you knew

So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes

And trying to look busy

And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us

How I was losing my mind when I saw you here

But you held your pride like you should have held me

Oh, we're scared to see the ending

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less

But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now

But I would lay my armor down

If you'd say you'd rather love than fight

So many things that you wish I knew

But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone

In a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

I don't know what to say

Since a twist of fate

'cause we're going down

And the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Definitely I will miss something in my left over lyf, but I am not complaining about it anymore. It was always my decision, so I don't want to sound childish, regretting the past. I have heard the loud sound of silence. If you haven't
Our story was destined to messed up. We can't turn things back, or try to make things right. There is just too much damage that has happened. I ask this question again, I don't know to whom, why do we attach ourselves to the people if we don't know whether they will be with us forever or not.  The problem with getting attached to someone is that when you lose them, you lose yourself. The irony is that you leave the whole world for just one person, and that person leaves you for the world.

If I try hard enough I'm sure I could forget you. One day I will get out of these memory lanes.

Untouchable

I had a dream. Yeah we all do have dreams but sometimes dreams mean a lot more to us than reality. It may be because of our real life failures or maybe because of our extra ordinary achievements that we have in our dreams. I am not sure which case I belong to. My dreams too meant a lot to me. Or maybe its like this, if you don't get something you want in your real life, you somehow get the power to manifest our own dreams and think of that as the reality. One such story I had in which I was with the one who mattered (read as matters) to me the most. But with every new begining of the day, its a sad ending to a new dream. Everyday a battle is lost, but what matters is not whether I win or lose a battle, but how beautifully (not bravely) I face it. 

When I was a kid, I read a this quote from Paul Coelho - "When you know what you want the whole world conspires you to achieve it". And I didnt know the meaning of it, but truly wanted to believe in it until I grew up and realized its the other way round. He should have written the quote this way - "When you know what you want the whole world conspires against you so that you never achieve it". 

I don't know from where it went wrong. In fact not all things in life can be classified into black and white or right and wrong. So its not a question of what is right and what is wrong and unacceptable because these are very subjective terms, but it is a question of how much faith you have in your own decisions and how much you ready to fight for something you deeply believe in. Sometime, we think that someone very 'close' to us or we just hope that this person is really close to us just the way we am close to them. But in reality it's not that simple. We need that person so desperately... but we know we can't have them. Sooner or later, we realize that it's pointless trying to mend things but not before we're left broken. All the planning is washed away  when it comes to making that 'untouchable' person a reality for ourself, simply because that person is a million miles away. That person is meant to be "Untouchable" for us. I dream about her and want her to say they she wants to be with me but in reality, she won't.

Everyone knows about the story behind this song. And I am not the one researching that topic anymore. So nothing except this beautiful song takes space on my blog!!! Untouchable is wanting someone you cannot have. For me, it reminds me of wanting someone that I always wanted in my life, but when it came to showing how much I wanted, I failed miserably and that's the reason of why that person became untouchable for me now.

Untouchable

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky

I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why

I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

And when you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

It's half full and I won't wait here all day

I know you're saying that you'd be here anyway

But you're untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, oh

In the middle of the night waking from this dream

I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

I'm caught up in you

Oh, oh, oh

But your untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, oh

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, come on

In the middle of the night waking from this dream

I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me

You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

And in the middle of the night when I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars spelling out your name

You gotta come on, come on, come on, come on

Come on, come on, oh, oh, oh

Like a million little stars spelling out your name

They're spelling out your name, oh

"No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind." - Taylor Swift 

People say that once you hit rock bottom, things can only get better. But sometimes you never hit rock bottom. Sometimes life’s the rabbit hole and we have no idea of how deep the rabbit hole goes and we just keep on falling. No time to slow down, no thought of turning around, nothing to stop you. You just fall forever.

'Follow the dream' doesn't mean 'leave the love'. Roam if you must, but come back when you've seen enough. I've seen enough and I want to go back now.

There's no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and from our own, but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. We get bigger, we get taller, we get older, but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in. - Grey's Anatomy

The most difficult phase of your life is not when no one understands you. It's when people, who matter the most in your lyf, don't even try to understand you. You can blame me for not trying. I’ve seen enough years, but the only season I have witnessed is the season of loneliness. I want to believe that I am not alone. But the realization of you being "Untouchable" shatters all my hopes. I don't know what is this stupid phase of lyf. The only thing getting me through all these seasons is the false hopes and my wishful dreams. 

"I hate being in this position. I’m forcing myself to let go of the one person I need in my life. You’re the only thing that makes sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicates me. I know that I’m better off without you, but I feel empty whenever I try to let go."

Back To December

This has been due for the past couple of weeks now. No it really does not coincide with anything. It's again that time of the year when the cold waves remind you that you need warmth, care which will comfort you in the dark nights of December. A couple of years back, these nights were not so cold. I wish I had an opportunity to go back in time and change things the way they should have been. Humans, being to powerful and intelligent beings, are also one of the most helpless of all. We have the power to create memories the way we want them to be, but we don't have the power to get rid of the those that make us cry. 

The decisions I made, cannot be changed now. The steps I took cannot be reverted back. The time I did not spend with you cannot be regained back. I think I owe an apology for all that.

Last 1 year has been long. I've tried to change things, in the hope for good. Not sure whether I have been successful or not. I read this famous quote and tried to do something so that I can at least change the end, if not the beginning - "No one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Back To December

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life, tell me how's your family

I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier then ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me

Is still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right

I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,

Realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night,

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

It's typical to cling on to the memories you'll never get back again, and to go through all the photographs of long ago. And there below her face in the picture, you wrote her name and that date. And you can't believe she's really gone now. This last year has been busy for you and for me too. We have got our own lives. We got own own bills to pay. We got our own responsibilities to take care of. But in spite of all that, I know these memories will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't know why breathing hurts so much. I wish I could find out whats wrong with me.

Making way for a change here... I learned that even though I can not change the past, I can always change the way I look and think about it :-)

Fearless Love !!!

I may not have seen enough of this world, but one thing I have come across at so many instances is that where there is love, there is fear. Fear of losing, or even fear of winning. When you get what you want in lyf, there is a fear of losing that is so close to you and if you don't get something you want so badly, you have the fear of facing the world without your achievements. When you have a fake identity on the internet, then you have the fear of becoming public figure. Fear of being followed, fear of being watched of your each action online, fear of statcounter being hacked, fear of your e-mail or blog being hacked. But at the end of the day, what matters is not the feeling of having fear, but the strive to still carry on in-spite of those fears. It's ok to have fears, but its an achievement to be Fearless.

I read this quote by Taylor Swift  - To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearles is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's Fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's Fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's Fearless to stop believing them. It's Fearless to say "you're NOT sorry", and walk away. I think loving something despite what people think is Fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is Fearless. Letting go is Fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...That's Fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is Fearless.

Sometimes you meet a person in life with whom you sync up so many things in life. Your smiles are linked... Everytime I listen to this song... it reminds me of the days when I loved fearlessly.

Fearless

Songwriters: Lindsey, Hillary; Rose, Liz; Swift, Taylor Alison;

 There's somethin' 'bout the way 

The street looks when it's just rained

There’s a glow off the pavement 

You walk me to the car 

And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there 

In the middle of the parking lot 

Yeah

We're drivin' down the road 

I wonder if you know 

I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now 

But you're just so cool 

Run your hands through your hair 

Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this 

You take my hand and drag me head first 

Fearless 

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance 

In a storm in my best dress 

Fearless

So baby drive slow

‘Til we run out of road in this one horse town 

I wanna stay right here in this passenger’s seat 

You put your eyes on me 

In this moment now capture every memory

And I don't know how it gets better than this 

You take my hand and drag me head first 

Fearless 

And I don't know why but with you I’d dance 

In a storm in my best dress 

Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway 

my hands shake 

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in & I’m a little more brave

It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless.

And I don't know how it gets better than this 

You take my hand and drag me head first 

Fearless 

And I don't know why but with you I’d dance 

In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

I may promise to hereby love fearlessly for the rest of my life, but promises have always been broken. You were supposed to be "The One" for me. You were supposed to take care of me forever. You were the one who was supposed to make me feel fearless. I had my doubts all along the way, but you always proved me wrong. Then out of the blue, you made me realize that I was correct when I was scared. You lived up to all of of my doubts. It was as if, when I was almost healed, you broke me again. Am I just suppose to move on....to forget? And hope that its for my own good? To spare me? Because I deserve something more?  You were the one I cared about. If loneliness and pain is better... then I can say it's getting better day by day.

How am I to act as if you never came along? How am I supposed to stop thinking about you next second? How am I to delete your name, your number, your memory? I can't do that. I can't un-love you. I thought I did not want to complain, seriously, this is not a complaint anymore. I don't know how the topic being fearless turned into this. So just stopping it right here and now.