This has been due for the past couple of weeks now. No it really does not coincide with anything. It's again that time of the year when the cold waves remind you that you need warmth, care which will comfort you in the dark nights of December. A couple of years back, these nights were not so cold. I wish I had an opportunity to go back in time and change things the way they should have been. Humans, being to powerful and intelligent beings, are also one of the most helpless of all. We have the power to create memories the way we want them to be, but we don't have the power to get rid of the those that make us cry.
The decisions I made, cannot be changed now. The steps I took cannot be reverted back. The time I did not spend with you cannot be regained back. I think I owe an apology for all that.
Last 1 year has been long. I've tried to change things, in the hope for good. Not sure whether I have been successful or not. I read this famous quote and tried to do something so that I can at least change the end, if not the beginning - "No one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
Back To December
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time
These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
It's typical to cling on to the memories you'll never get back again, and to go through all the photographs of long ago. And there below her face in the picture, you wrote her name and that date. And you can't believe she's really gone now. This last year has been busy for you and for me too. We have got our own lives. We got own own bills to pay. We got our own responsibilities to take care of. But in spite of all that, I know these memories will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't know why breathing hurts so much. I wish I could find out whats wrong with me.
Making way for a change here... I learned that even though I can not change the past, I can always change the way I look and think about it :-)
It's not that I did not know what that loss would do to me, but still I could not do anything to stop the sands from slipping through my fingers. It has happened to you, hasn't it? How would you describe your "Let go off" decision?
ReplyDeleteAt times we can't just do anything. Why did you hurt him? Silly question, I know you would not have done it intentionally.
After a long day of reading your comments for more than 3 hours.. again and again, here is what I want to say.
ReplyDeleteWhat stopped me? I don't know. I just kept walking and never realized I am so far away that now I cannot overcome this distance. It is too late now...
You hurt him because you cannot let go? If that really is something, then he is probably a big time loser... he lost what he should have held so tight and close.
Thanks for believing in me.. Finally someone does.... And regarding visits to your blog. I didn't want to trouble you or hurt you and that's why I stopped visiting you blog quite some time back... You remember your posting which said "I don't want to communicate with any Dave S". All you wanted was to believe that I was him and when you knew the truth, it was crystal clear that you did not want me to read your blogs. So I did not. I should have asked you rather than just deciding myself, based on my incorrect decision making history :-(
E-mails... hmmm... I don't even know what's your working e-mail id. I do know 2 or 3 mail ids for you which don't work though because I remember I tried once to reply to one of your e-mails, but I got a failure notification, so that was an indication that you did not want me to mail you either.
Silly me.. giving all the reasoning and all the justifications... :-)
Yes I know all about her. Maybe I had some responsibility which I did realized. To be frank, no I did not ever think what may be going on in her mind or how would this feeling be reciprocated. No I did not ever think that. Stupid me, I know. Tell me something new about me!!!
Too much to write, isn't it. Wish I could jot it down in an e-mail and send across to you. I would have done that if I had your mail id.
Oh by the way, how's Rajesh doing? Say hello to him if you are still in contact.
Of what all I have written above, I write the toughest part here.. toughest for you.. to decide whether you want to believe this is the truth or not. I cannot make you believe this, all I can hope is that you realize.
Yes, trying to be honest... our stories will never follow the same path probably.
ReplyDeleteDistances, somehow I do not completely agree with you on that too. It's true that lyf is all about priorities and desires and it's not that what I am and where I am today was that I desired or those were my priorities. These are the things someone else desired for me more than myself. These were priorities for someone else for me than myself.
Will stand by my decision. I know you probably won't trust me, but had to just say that. You always say that you don't know who I am. Is that really true? Haven't you known even a bit of me in the last 1 year? That can't be true. You know quite a lot about me. You can say that you know one side of my lyf, which not many people know :-) Welcome to the privileged group.. he he he
I understand what you mean by "sometimes binding one is a punishment". I really do.
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ReplyDeleteDone... Your wish is my command....
ReplyDeleteI can't figure out how to scan my ID card... So you'll have to wait for some more time...
I am sure u hv my e-mail id to write any PII stuff... Personally identifiable information...
ReplyDeleteYes... I do not have my credit card handy, but will do it before tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome !!!
ReplyDeleteNo need to apologize please.... I will wait until you explain or I understand. But trust me, will never stalk you or threaten you.
And no one can decide for you unless you have given them the control of your lyf.. If you have, then trust them, and they will decide good for you. Or simple enough take your own decision, good or bad, you can always blame yourself rather than the world.
Could not complete the goal. :-(
ReplyDeleteSorry about that...