Starlight

It's been quite some time since this post has been in my drafts folder, so today I thought of posting it. 

This song, once again, matches perfectly to what I have felt always when I have been with you. Talk about 2008, 2009, 2011 or 2013. Yes I would never forget those nights and those mornings. People always say that everyday we create memories that we don't realize until the day is over or until the day is long forgotten in our past. But this time, in 2013, I exactly knew it. I knew it while I was having this feeling. I knew that moment would lead me to a post like this one. I knew exactly at the time as it was happening. And that's why we discussed about it too. Walking by the ocean, holding your hand, explaining me the truths of lyf was just amazing. I could not think of anything but focus on what you were telling me. Every day I spend with you, I feel like I have come closer to you. 

I guess I have never had such a meaningful weekend. Doesn't matter which night I talk about, the toughest part has always been to go back home later in the night (I think morning is the correct word here). That's when the music stops, the crowd vanishes, and you start to realize the truth, that the fun is over. Sitting outside that night, I wish they (our beloved friends) never should have found us and taken back home. Except just that I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable with Alex as he was getting too much interested (hopefully not in me).

Starlight

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I said oh my

What a marvelous tune 

It was the best night 

Never would forget how we moved 

The whole place

Was dressed to the nines

And we were dancing, dancing 

Like we're made of starlight 

Like we're made of starlight 

I met Bobby on the boardwalk summer of '45

Picks me up play one night out the window we were 17 and crazy 

Running wild, wild

Can't remember what song he was playing when we walked in

The night we snuck into a yacht club party 

Pretending to be a duchess and a prince 

And I said oh my

What a marvelous tune 

It was the best night 

Never would forget how we moved 

The whole place

Was dressed to the nines

And we were dancing, dancing 

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

He said look at you,

Worrying so much about things you can't change

You'll spend your whole life singing the blues

If you keep thinking that way

He was trying to skip rocks on the ocean saying to me 

Don't you see the starlight, starlight

Don't you dream impossible things 

Like, oh my

What a marvelous tune 

It was the best night 

Never would forget how we moved 

The whole place

Was dressed to the nines

And we were dancing, dancing 

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Like we're made of starlight, starlight 

Ooh, ooh he's talking crazy 

Ooh, ooh dancing with me

Ooh, ooh we could get married 

Have 10 kids and teach them how to dream

Oh my

What a marvelous tune 

It was the best night 

Never would forget how we moved 

The whole place

Was dressed to the nines

And we were dancing, dancing 

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Like we dream impossible dreams 

Like starlight, starlight

Like we dream impossible dreams 

Don't you see the starlight, starlight

Don't you dream impossible things

I know this is not the first time I am saying this, but it just happens like this. Every-time I meet you, I realize it just gets better and better. I am not sure what to expect next ;-)

There is no such word as "Thanks" that I can say to you. This word just seems to be incomplete. Knowing you has been one of the best things that has happened to me in this lyf. Learning from you has been so simple. Spending time with you has been fun. There is just no word enough for me to say what you mean to me. Otherwise why do you think I like everything about you. I like to eat where you love to eat. I like to drink whatever you like to drink. I like to watch whatever you love to watch. It's not that I do not have a choice of my own, but certainly, I do like to experience what you have experienced. It's like having this feeling of following a superior being. Liking what you like... doing what you do... thinking what you think and thinking what you would be doing every now and then. I can easily guess what you would be doing at this hour if you are not asleep in your bed. Knowing you adds meaning to my lyf.

A small part of my brain wants to forget all this. Forget spider-man  forget the performance, forget the drinks, forget the fights, forget the anger, forget Alex etc. But the other, ofcourse larger, part of my brain will never forget that night or that whole weekend. All through my lyf, I have always been so fond of only sunlight that I started feeling aquaphobic and  so uncomfortable with places surrounded by water  (now you know the reason why), never knowing that walking by the ocean side could be such an unforgettable experience. Nobody's lyf is perfect and I know yours' hasn't been very smooth too, still worshiping you is like perfect feeling.

I am disappointed by my own lyf then how can I expect miracles from others. There is no point in me talking about the stupid and petty fights that I have been having. Sometimes you don't just need someone to share these things with, but just a corner where you can just sit and cry so that no one notices the sadness behind that face. I am sick and tired of this lyf, but I am too scared of dying. 

P.S: Today was the third time, I was searching something on the internet when I got routed to poem hunter. Strange co-incidence.... Some things never leave you.

Just Breathe

Yes today was one of those on which you realize the truth and wake up from the short lived happiness. I forgot that even though we may both comfort each other, we know that we can't have each other for the rest of our lives. It's not that I did not want to talk to you. It was just that I did not want to sound stupid or sad to make you feel bad about it even though you had nothing to do with it. I just wanted to be left alone to cry and pity my lyf. Maybe I don't want to talk about it now. I don't want to share anything now. Yes let me be selfish. Give me some time. Make me smile before digging deep into the reasons of my sadness. 

Breathe

Songwriters: Nalick, Anna Christine;

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake 

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake 

I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.

Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize

Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track 

We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, 

No one can find the rewind button girl 

So just cradle your head in your hands. 

And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss 

Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist

Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year

Here in town you can tell he's been down for while 

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles

Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it 

Cause you can't jump the track 

We're like cars on a cable 

And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, 

No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands

And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out 

And these mistakes you've made 

You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

I am still writing....

Jump Then Fall

I had thought of a lot of other things to write in this post, but right now at this point, I decided what I want to write and publish tonight. 

So I realized recently that I should have written about some of the good things that have happened to me and what I have learned from them. Yeah ok you made me realize, I did not realize it myself. So what, you are mine too. You telling me something or making me realize something is just nothing more than a part of me telling my brain what to do. So here it is.... Too philosophical?

I learned that money is the most useless thing in lyf when it comes to happiness. Most people may disagree with me, but that what you taught me and I think it makes a lot of sense. Money is just one of the material things, which will always lead you into to painful phases of lyf. So never to give any attention or focus to money when we are with someone for whom we care about. 

I learned that there is no need to lie to anyone. Though we should follow "Don't ask, don't tell policy". Not everyone needs to know what you are doing and what you plan to do. But whatever you do, don't lie. Tell people straight on their face that you don't want to share the details. It's absolutely OK rather than hiding and lying to a dozen people. I may not have been following that to the core, because I am not the person who can say "No" to anyone's face. But yes, I think I am improving day by day. 

I learned that our family is the most integral part of our lyf. To that point, I think the biggest regret I will ever have is that I have spent more time with my friends than with my family. 

I learned that no matter how much you hate people, you must still help them when they are in need and they cry out to you for help. People will be shameless, but there has to be a difference between them and you. So we must decide to help if we can

I learned that our relationship is without commitment. Our relationship is so different that I just can't put it in words and as I have written so many times in this blog, it's probably best not to even try to categorize our relationship. People will be making us drunk to bad, and then try to ask so many questions, thinking we will blurt out everything. But they will never succeed. 

I learned that it's sometimes OK to go backwards to move forward in lyf. You may realize they you need to let them go who were your past and move forward. 

I learned what it means to get lost in your hurt. I can never and will never try to measure the pain you have been through, but I know its been enough and I would not have been able to handle so much in my lyf.

I've learned that you must protect and sacrifice for some special people in your lyf who mean much more to you than anything else. Even if that means taking on more pain, more hurt for them, but still facing it with smiling lips. 

I learned that its OK to cut yourself lose on special occasions. It's OK to cross the boundaries sometimes. Sometimes even the toughest concrete can fall down

I learned when to put your feelings into words. When to find that perfect time to say out things that you have never said earlier.

I learned how to be calm, cool and mature and not get carried away in that moment of anger and be in control of the situation. People will always be mean, they will always do everything you can't even think of. Not sure what intention people will have with me, but still, in any circumstances, to be myself is the key. Doesn't matter how much drunk I am.

Jump Then Fall

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

I like the way you sound in the morning

We're on the phone and without a warning

I realize your laugh is the best sound

I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus

I watch you talk, you didn't notice

I hear the words but all I can think is

We should be together

Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby

Don't be afraid to

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

I like the way your hair falls in your face

You got the keys to me

I love each freckle on your face, oh

I've never been so wrapped up, honey

I like the way you're everything I ever wanted

I had time to think it oh, over

And all I can say is come closer

Take a deep breath then jump then fall into me

Cause Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Whoa oh, I'm feeling you baby

Don't be afraid to

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet

I'll catch you, I'll catch you

And people say things that bring you to your knees

I'll catch you

The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry

But I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Whoa oh, I need you baby

Don't be afraid, please

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Be there, never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

So I'm a stay through it all

So jump then fall

Jump then fall baby

Jump then fall into me, into me

Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I shine

And every time you're here

Baby I'll show you, I'll show you

You can Jump then fall, jump then fall

Jump then fall into me, into me, yeah

I never knew sunset could be so lovely that I would try to stop the time then and there so that the sun would never set and I would never have to go back in the morning. The previous weekend was the best weekend I would have seen. I will always cherish its memories throughout my lyf. I will however confess that the last 2 days have been so depressing that I am not yet able to accept our decision for not getting together on the coming weekend. I know none of us have made any commitments to each other. Its not a blame I am putting on you. I don't know under what circumstances we decided to drop the plan. I couldn't have been more serious about it when I said "I am not done meeting you yet. So we are meeting next weekend". 

Was that a ray of hope that I saw this morning? I am not too sure about it. It's like when you go deep inside a tunnel and you close your eyes and turn around a couple of times, then you see light at both the ends of the tunnel. At one end, is the mistake you are trying to avoid and at the other end, its the ray of hope. So I need some guidance from you. Who else can I talk to? Who else can I depend upon? Who else will even try to understand me. 

If you want to set me free, then there's one simple way out, kill me. I ain't gonna throw you out of my mind. It's not gonna happen in this lyf. Maybe I can try in the next.

This post is not yet complete, but still I am making it available on the blog site. It may be updated tomorrow.

Update: I have decided that the remaining part will come in the next post itself.

No Time For Love - Superman

You say I do not have time for you. Do you know how painful my lyf is? It hurts so bad. Someone, please just cure me even if that requires to eliminate my existence and end my pain. You don't know that I am always busy thinking about you only. We both started on the same career path a couple of years ago. Didn't know that it would lead us here today. Things have changed. The crowd of people whom we used to have around us have vanished. 

You wanted us to work hard. I am excelling what I love to do in my lyf. I may be over-rating myself, but I have that determination and will to take me to new heights and make me a successful person. I know somewhere deep down your heart you know that I am doing the right things. This is what I was always bound to do. People are trusting me to do a lot of things for them. I can't break their trust so that I can get yours. That said, it's also not possible for me to face myself with the feeling that I have betrayed you. I have virtually forced you into so many decisions in lyf and now I just can't walk away saying that I do not have time for you. I know this is not done. Maybe I have become too selfish in this race to become successful. You have turned me into some kind of a superhero and now I can't just let that everyone's faith in me to shake. 

I’ve decided not to think about you and I am starting to get used to not talking to you. I’m trying to be happy even though you can’t see the sadness and loss that I’ve been feeling.  I have been trying to be strong in front the world. I’ve been hurt way too many times by you but you don’t have any slightest idea about it. You thought I was happy all this while and supporting you. Yes, I am happy as long as you are happy but deep down inside, my mind is on fire and my heart is burned into ashes. I don’t know why am I killing myself like this. Do you even know how badly I want inside just to be with you? I want you to be mine but I can’t make it happen. Because time doesn’t allow us to be together. Circumstances don't allow us as well. Have you ever been in a situation where you don't have any choice left but just to agree with the decision that someone else has taken for you, even if you know it's totally insane to accept it. I have been there. I have accepted those decisions. It is complicated and ironic too at the same time. Well that's why I say lyf sucks and I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I let you down and to see you this way you are makes me hurt inside. I wish I could tell you to move on and forget me. I have found it too fearful to even try to say what my heart and mind knows needs to be told to you. You will probably end up feeling deserted and screaming out loud to me what I have never had the courage to say to you.

I don't even know what I want anymore from my lyf. Success in profession will never come along with you in my lyf. I have learned it the hard way. Every time I start to believe in lyf again, it's taken away the next instant. Maybe we’re better if we’re like this, and you’ll be happy with what you would chose or should I say whom.

Superman

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

Tall, dark and super manly

Puts papers in his briefcase and drives away

To save the world or go to work

It's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition

I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him

I hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say "How are you?"

And I'll say, "Just fine"

I always forget to tell you I love you

I'll love you forever

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Tall, dark and beautiful

He's complicated, he's irrational

But I hope someday he'll take me away

And save the day, yeah

Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying

He's not all bad like his reputation

And I can't hear one single word they say

And you'll leave, got places to be

And I'll be okay

I always forget to tell you I love you

I loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around

And I watched Superman fly away

Come back, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

And I watch you fly around the world

And I hope you don't chase another girl

Don't forget, don't forget about me

I'm far away, but I'll never let you go

I'm lovestruck and looking out the window

Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be

Right here wishing the flowers were from you

Wishing the card was from you

Wishing the call was from you

'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

Go save the world

I'll be around forever and ever

I watched Superman fly away

I swear, I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

When you come back down

Come back down

As Meredith Grey says "Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it, and lyf always makes more."

I had really moved on from the last post and the offline events after that. But certainly it seems the past has not yet vanished out. It has come back again. I am fed of up this cat and mouse game. This is exactly why I wrote in my previous post "I know what it is to go insane". But people don't trust me. The same old google searches are back... now a little more blunt and straight to the point. My blog has become a kind of a clue to the puzzle to locate people. I am so sorry about it. I wish I could help. 

So whatever is the reason, please stop searching and associating "______ ______ radio" and "______ ______ facebook" keywords with my blog. It has nothing to do "them" anymore.

Yes I am back to spelling it as LYF.. and  that's what sucks.