I should probably write Enchanted - II. This post might seem to be very cryptic but this spans across recent 6 months and the events that happened in this time in that order. Now it will make some sense maybe.
I have always written this about memories that the go
I miss spending time with you so much. Whatever we talked about that night, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night in Keywest, was so true and disagreeing with you on some of the things wasn’t something that came as planned. You were right, people will never understand us. They will always think about one thing. They can never understand the purity of our relationship. Maybe I was the one wrong again. It’s like humans are programmed to think only in a very limited manner. No matter we landed on the moon in 1969 or the Mars landing in 1997, people still restrict their thinking about relationships too much.
Again, I know saying Thanks is meaningless. I have started feeling short of words to describe my emotions. Every little time I get to spend with you, brings so much new things to my lyf. I think I might have mentioned this previously in some of my posts, but just wanted to bring it up again. Just like what a worshiper of God feels after visiting a sacred place.
We are so close but still so far away. And I hate this feeling. No one will understand us except just the two of us. I know its probably best not to disturb you, but I am so much in need of you. Yes as usual, I am being selfish. You remember our conversation that night at Duval St. Now you know what I meant at that time. I have always been so selfish and that’s what I hate about myself. I talk to you when I am able to. I need you when I am alone.
I knew it would be a difficult Friday and its just Sunday and I am having troubles waiting for the night to come over and take me into sleep so that when I wake up in the morning, I have my work to keep me indulged. I don’t know I work because I like it or I just work because it makes me forget that I miss you so much. Now, I am alone, but nothing stops. Loneliness does not make time stop. I wish it would, but that would be even more suffocating. Every time I meet you and go far away, I end up coming more close to you. Is this what we were destined to be?
Come Back... Be Here
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison; Wilson, Dan;
You said it in a simple way,
4 AM, the second day,
How strange that I don't know you at all.
Stumbled through the long goodbye,
One last kiss, then catch your flight,
Right when I was just about to fall
I told myself, "Don't get attached,"
But in my mind I play it back,
Spinning faster than the plane that took you...
And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
The delicate beginning rush,
The feeling you can know so much,
Without knowing anything at all.
And now that I can't put this down,
If I had known what I'd known now,
I never would have played so nonchalant.
Taxi cabs and busy streets,
That never bring you back to me,
I can't help but wish you took me with you...
And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in London today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
This is falling in love in the cruelest way,
This is falling for you when you are worlds away.
New York... be here.
But you're in London and I break down,
'Cause it's not fair that you're not around.
This is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
And I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I don't wanna miss you like this.
Come back... be here.
Come back... be here.
Its true that people will forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Maybe they do it unintentional, but they forget how the other person may feel about the situation.
Traveling in plane has a new meaning for me. It brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know what that is, why that is. I don’t want to understand. I don’t want to give any name to our relationship. When you give a name to our relationship, people will start thinking and expecting things from us. They will never understand the meaning of our friendship or love.. or whatever it is. I think one day we both.. nah .. not both.. one day I will have to stop and think about it. For how long I will escape the acknowledgement of our friendship. It reminds me again of the that day in 1998 that someone once said to me that the most precious relationship in this world is friendship. Love doesn’t stand a chance with friendship.
You used to say that I talk to you one it is feasible for me. Yes thats true. I so much hate myself for that feeling. But this is true as well that I miss you more than I’d ever admit and you know why, isn't it?
We stayed awake so late and we talked about our dreams and our future plans. I just wish somehow whatever you said it becomes possible one day. I just hope one day we achieve what we both want in this lyf.
What is it that I would change in my past if I got one chance? My answer to that was - I would not have changed anything in my lyf, but in someone else’s lyf which might have made their present and future a time to cherish. I don’t know if that would have been possible or not, because its difficult to control anyone’s feelings. Maybe I would have just tried and failed miserably and still wrote this blog and said this all over again “Lyf Sucks !!!”
I can’t just forget the past even though you may have moved on, but its difficult to imagine what you have been through in your lyf. I really wish I had the remote control to the happiness of your lyf. I swear, I would have done anything in my control to make you smile. I can’t help but remember how many sleepless nights you have spent and how many tears you have let out just in the hope that things will turn back the way they used to be.
I ruined it all. I did the biggest mistake of all. I am not here apologizing for anything as it does not make sense anymore. I can’t even ask for forgiveness. This mistake can only have a punishment and not forgiveness. I know I have hurt you all through the last 5 years or so and but its time to let you fly away now. Just a little bit more pain and I promise you will be fine. That's what they say when you enter into an operation theatre.
I know it's not over for sure, but I will try to stay away from your lyf, pretending it is over. I think its best for us. You deserve a better friend than me. You could never count on me to tackle all your problems in lyf... and now, you can't trust me ever in your lyf. I am used to breaking the hearts of people who have trusted me. I just can't forget that night. Wish I could undo all the stupid things in my lyf.
I want to request you.. don't hate me... I am not that bad. Maybe I am... so its OK to hate me. If I can't stop hating myself, then what should I expect from you. Some things just leave a permanent scar in your lyf that you start hoping when this lyf will end. When this pain will be gone? When will I start breathing? Situations beyond our control parted us, and my heart has been breaking since. I should stop complaining because I am the reason for this situation. Doesn't matter how much I apologize, I can't make you feel any better.
Saying Sorry is the toughest thing... I haven't yet found the courage to e-mail or call you and say "Sorry for what I said and did". I don't know when I can stand up and face myself. I don't know when again I will start accepting the night. For now, I just can't wait to see the end of this night. I am dying to see the sun. I am dying to see the new beginning.
It feels like I lost a part of me and there is no one with whom I can share this. The one with whom I could have shared itself is gone now. But I guess you are feeling the same too. You were the reason for this blog. I don't feel like logging in to my e-mail anymore. I don't feel like posting anything anymore. Maybe I should just shut it down. I feel so empty inside... just plain vacuum.
I cry inside my heart every single day... I am not saying this to convince anyone or to try to make it up to you. I wish I could find out what is that something that I should do to make it all back fine. Why it is so difficult to make choices in lyf. Choices which we sometimes make and we just have to live by those because people's lives depend of those. Choices which we have to honor beyond any commitment and sacrifice.
I just feel so sick of myself. I have no words to explain how much I hate myself. I can't curse myself enough to make things alright again. God, I wish I knew the key. I really don't know what to do. I am just so lost in this journey and alone like a child in the dark night in the middle of the road.
It's been more than 2 months. Lyf has not stopped. Work has not stopped. It will go on. We can't let anything hamper our ability to work and make a living. I have so much to share with you. Without you, there is no happiness to share. Lyf has just become a bunch of happenings which I am getting used to now a days. I will always remember the time we spent together... those late nights... those early mornings... those breakfast tables... that coffee.. the long drives... the long phone calls.... all the plans we used to make for buying new gadgets...
Don't forgive me and don't forget me.. Make me a part of your memory that reminds you always to not trust people like me who don't deserve your friendship and trust. Atleast I will be of some use to you.
